The Year of 26 Beds
Every December I write a recap about the events, accomplishments and projects that I’ve worked on throughout the last 365 days. But this post is going to be a little different. I am voice dictating this piece with wet eyes, laying in the room where I spent my high school years, living with the same house mates who raised me from birth. This last trip around the sun didn’t follow the normal story arc of accomplishing or slaying life, but it was damn real.
The best way to describe the last 12 months is—displaced. As much as I want to say it was not within my favor; it truly was. The year began in another country, which was reflection of how I would feel for the remainder. This life, I truly don’t recognize anymore.
In 2018, I visited 18 different cities, slept in 26 different beds and found a whole new perspective on life. I left behind busy, structure, rushing, cramming and controlling.
I cried for 10 days during my 30th birthday, cried in your brothers in arms on the side of the road, cried in a shared uber across the golden gate, cried while being cradled & blindfolded in a strangers arms, cried in that desert bar, while holding hands with 30 others, on thanksgiving, in my car, on the floor, a blow up mattress, in the bed of your truck…really just anywhere I needed to.
I took off my clothes, danced in the desert under the moonlight, drank a lot of tequila, listen to music and shows that I like for once. I let the universe rock me in its arms. I didn’t think about money much… just concentrated on my soul, perspective and happiness. I allowed myself to explore different corners of my mind that I wouldn’t normally go to.
I did a lot of painting without worrying about needing to sell them. I learned how to stop getting off on arguing (a trait I developed to survive). I came back into the vibration of humor, peace and joy…something you always wanted me to find.
Vanessa jokes that the song, “Bag Lady”, by Erykah Badu, represented me over the past few years. I was caring a lot of stuff. Slowly, my body and intuition were starting to tell me that I would no longer be able to do it anymore. It started in the summer when my intuition said I would no longer arrange our huge beach camping trip, then again in November it alerted me I no longer wanted to host our 35 person Friendsgiving. It told me I would no longer be able to marry who I thought. I would no longer be able to live in that 3 story loft. I would no longer be a cat mama to Mira. No longer own a media company. No longer own a creative workspace. No longer facilitate workshops. I could no longer return to the job I had as a back up. I could no longer have my highest paying client. I didn’t really know what I had at this point, other then a 15’ trailer full of my belongings stuffed to the brim and stored away in a 3,000 sq foot garage.
I gave away my bed, my couch, along with my desire to carry shit for other people. Now all I had was me…and what exactly was that again? Was it the person who always had everything constantly re-stocked, organized, planned? I could do it all and then some… all while taking care of you.
I took a look around, a long hard look around my world. I talked to some of the strangest people this year who expanded my mind far far beyond it’s confines. I decided to just go with what felt right. I decided it was time to develop my own story line. My own ethics. My own life. I decided who would be let in where. I would no longer be an open book for everyone. I had my cards and I was going to play them… you learn a thing or two from dating a magician.
Now, for the million dollar question how did I get here? And that would require unfolding, asking questions, sitting back, waiting, watching, spending less time inserting myself everywhere. The world had much to tell me, I had a lot of healing and resting to do. I’m just thankful for the chance to enter into that space without consequence. And to continue doing so— it’s a lifelong journey isn’t it?
I spent a lot of time outside exploring the desert, the ocean, the lakes, the rivers, the trails. I let anger become a part of me and let it flow through me. I hit pillows. Threw things against the walls. Stared in the eyes of strangers repeatedly for hours on end. I began to sleep alone for the first time in 8 years. Many sleepless nights were ahead of me and still are.
495 miles away from home, in the same town, on the same day, we met up again. I’ll never know what that was about, maybe a shared google calendar and a few calculated motives. I learned that you may never get the answer to your question but all that really matters is your gut feeling about it. I learned how to detach from others while becoming more attached to my own journey, experience and perception—because there really is nowhere else to reside.
I met someone new on the lunar eclipse/blood moon. I physically saw the shadows overlap on the floor in the bathroom—a wild sight, especially when you weren’t looking for it. A lunar eclipse happens when the Earth blocks the light from the Sun so that the Earth’s shadow falls on the moon. It is said to bring subconscious feelings to the surface and ground them in reality—and that it did.
And just as my mind could not figure out how to let that something go, the universe had something new in store. Although, I couldn’t see it for a while as I was still in a fog. At 3:33 PM, another someone came along, who had a painting in their bathroom that read this is the sign of an angel. Then I became obsessed with letting things go, to see if something better would come along. I wanted to test the universe I suppose? Another opening happened on 11-11-2018 (11), so naturally I dipped my toe in again.
This healing journey has been a long time coming. I should have known when Trevor Hall randomly popped onto my Spotify playlist two years ago. I thought to myself, what the hell is this—I don’t listen to this type of music? But it’s aura had a different feeling. I let his voice and words heal me. I went fully into the darkness to learn the most painful things about myself. Along with that came the tools to forgive and heal those very places.
You know the saying, “having, doing, being?” First you have it. Then you do it. Then you become it. Along those lines, I discovered how wonderful it is to be not to have to constantly be doing but just to simply BE.
I learned every person and interaction can be a teacher, a mirror, a catalyst, or a repeated cycle. “Bad” things are allowed to happen because they disrupt, break down, and release—in order to rebuild at a higher capacity. Everything is always working for the greater good, as hard as that is to see in our limited human perspective.
Thank you to Nechelle for looking deep in my soul inviting me to stay there. I’m sorry I disappear sometimes. Thank you Kim Felix for teaching me how to openly cry and not fear it. Thank you to Vanessa for being with me every part of the way and allowing me to be free in who I am. Thank you Cassie for not giving up on me as I had so many walls to tear down to get back to the root of love—what this universe is all about. Thank you for indulging with me in spirit animals, numerology, astrology, enneagram and human design… I’ve loved every moment of this friendship even through all it’s story arcs. Thank you to Kelsey who forged this road before me and did a lot of the work that allowed me to easily step out of the path I was on. Thank you for having the bravery to tell me that day in the back of my car. Thank you Ben for showing up, not asking any questions and just carrying all my shit out of the house. That meant a lot when I really didn’t know who I could call anymore. Sometimes knights just appear for us when we need them most. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all my cousins who opened up their homes, bought plane tickets, sat through psychic appointments, shared meals, danced with colored wigs, split bottles of wine, rode scooters, called repeatedly to check on me, and simply showed me the sunshine again—which helped to remind me of who I am.
Thank you for holding me when my whole body felt frozen, I’ll never know what that meant but I will always remember it. Thank you to all the women who echoed my story Jessica, Sara, Randi, Vanessa, Brittany, Michelle, Stephanie, Kelsey it was comforting to know I wasn’t alone. There are no words for my wonderful parents who watched we fall apart seam by seam and just tried to love, laugh and encourage me to keep looking forward.
$20k flew away but my soul came back and for that I am eternally grateful. What I did may have seemed a weak from an outside perspective— but believe me when I say, from the inside, it was strong.