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Leaving Narcissistic Abuse

By : haley 0 Comments

I write this piece not to harm, smear or slander but to share what I’ve learned. Knowledge is power. Without information we keep repeating the same psychological patterns and we continue to pass them down generation to generation. If you desire to see clearly and are ready to take off the potential blinders in an relational area of your life where you’ve been long confused, read on.


There are a variety of degrees that narcissism manifests in, let’s be clear not all cases are the same. Not everything in this article has directly applied to me. I’m not a psychologist, I’m simply sharing what I’ve researched, learned, seen or heard first hand. Please seek a professional if you feel your story parallels these topics.

*Before I begin, to be clear being self absorbed is NOT the same as having a cluster B narcissistic personality trait.

I recently gave up my home, my relationship, my savings, my pet, my clients, my business, and quiet frankly my sanity, due to this intricate personality construct. There are a lot of very sad stories I could share in this piece about my experience but I do not want to sound victimized, I will save those stories for in person interactions.

I’ve debated time and time again about writing this. I didn’t want to offend, say the wrong thing, misrepresent, say too much or too little, and most of all I was worried about upsetting friends and family. Yet, I know I need to because I can’t let fear steal my voice.

There are so many people still suffering in the narcissistic cycle. They are confused, isolated and slowly losing themselves as they try to help, please or change this person.

I want to let you know, you can hit the detonate button on your life. If you have to leave everything behind, to save yourself, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I sob for you. I am cheering for you. I lift you up and want to let you know you can make it through. You will be surprised at the amount of unexpected help you’ll receive. There are so many unexpected gifts on the other side of your karmic relationship, once you let go.


Fact of the matter: there are people willing and ready to take advantage of others. We get played, because we think everyone plays like we do and thinks like we do. We cannot fathom their thought processes. So we lose again, again and again. Until we meet a few and wise up. It’s prevalence is a 1 in 20 ratio or about 5% of our population.


Some people are just on the prowl, looking for someone to give them what they want and they don’t care what the cost is to the other person. Some of their behavior is calculated while much is unconscious.



Generally in relationships, we want to offer mutual regard, trust, worthiness, respect, it becomes gratifying over time. Although, the Narc has a different agenda, they are looking for superiority and control. Your decency is an opportunity for exploitation.

What appears to be friendly, encouraging behavior turns out to be manipulative and destructive to you. 



What is gas lighting? It’s a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s belief.


My Experiential Perception on Gas Lighting:

It’s when individuals enter into a fight with no intent to resolve. They ignite the issue. They pour gas all over the fire. They want to see it burn. It gives them energy to watch it go up in flames. They feel most alive when engaging in this behavior. Fights can last for hours and hours and hours.


They project feelings onto you. They insist their lie is true so you start believing it. They want you to believe it’s you and them against the world. They’ll tell you no one else can be trusted. As your world gets smaller, your perception and need for them grows. You might find yourself doing less social activities, turning your back on friends, picking fights with your family, cutting people out of your life for their political views.

Meet My Standards, Or Else…

When you ask them why we can’t chill, be nice or uplift each other, they might respond something like, “we can’t do those things until our actions match up with our beliefs”. Translation: we can’t practice empathy until we meet the unrealistic standards they’ve set.


When they’re confronted, they don’t just deny, deny, deny — they deny adamantly. The script is simple: when you get confronted on something you know will expose you for the unsavory character you are, act offended and hurt, appear resolute, and question the sanity of your accuser. The script is not only simple, it’s also generally effective.



01. Easily Critical. Enjoys talking about what’s wrong with this person, that event or a way of thinking. Most things don’t please them because they have to be superior.

02. They tend not to delve too deeply into your emotions. Emotions are a waste of time, for the weak. 

03. Hijack Conversations. They go on and on and ONNN. They have one favorite topic and its them and what they’re into.

04. Lack reflective self evaluation processes. 

05. Excessively excusing their own mistakes. They lack ownership for their shortcomings. 

06. Expectations of others. They use words like must, have to, had better, should, suppose to. In life, they tends to be exceptions to the rules but rarely do these folks follow that thinking. 

07. Contests, Not Conflicts. This shows up as shaming, blaming, passive aggressive behavior, shutting down or withholding love and communication.

08. Exaggerate their own positives, minimize negatives. An underlying lack of intimacy is present.

09. Very impressed with external signs of success. Better car, house, being around people that matter.

10. Close mindedness / impatience. The world needs to think like me.



Am I being asked to reciprocate loyalty to someone who won’t do it for me?

Do I sense this person has a low opinion of me, when my humanity shows up?

Do you find yourself obsessing over your partners needs or emotional well-being?

When your partner experiences a hardship, do they find a way to loop the blame back to you?

Do they give you the “silent treatment?”

Do they want to impress strangers more than they want to impress you?

Do they react angrily when you disagree with them?

Do you find yourself frequently apologizing to friends and family for their behavior?

Do you find yourself providing backstory to friends and family to excuse their poor behavior?

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells when they return home from work or a trip?

Most don’t truly know what it means and don’t want anything to do with it. Let alone, accept the fact that they may know one or better yet be married to, dating or friends with one. I joked today that the, N word, narcissism needs a new PR campaign. And I’m appointing myself to do it. Why? Because I have empathy for the story and journey these folks went on to get there. BUT I am not a door mat or a ticket to your desired caviar lifestyle. I am not a face you can waltz around with to make yourself look good. I am not a trophy. I am a human. I have emotions, needs, desires and that’s more than ok, it’s natural—it’s not something to minimize or feel shameful about.


They have a different relationship with lying. Generally, the more we lie, the more uncomfortable we become. They can tell bold face lies without skipping a beat. A calm demeanor does not mean someone is telling the truth. They’re inventing a world in their head with no effort. We assume lying will stress other people out because it stresses us out. They have an easier time tricking our brains rather than our gut reactions. They have an explanation for everything. They do not give up on the lie. If you call them out, they will dismiss you, cut you off, and often allude to conspiracy, against them. 

5 Signs You’re Dealing with a Narcissist


Two Recent Public Narcissists who show us how they can burn down the house while you pay for it:

Billy McFarland, Fyre Festival

Elizabeth Holmes, CEO of Theranos 


01. Grandiosity. The typical look at me, look at my house, my money, my accomplishments, look how unique my talents are, etc. They often have grand plans for a business or idea. They will sell you on it yet never fully follow it through themselves because they lack the actual self esteem it takes to execute. It can be harder for them to produce because they feel their work is never superior enough. Watch yourself foot the bill for their new business concept, because they can sell grandiose ideas like no other. 

02. Malignant. Lacking empathy, pompous attitude, with an extra layer…they can be just plain mean. These are the liars, the stealers, the cheaters. At most they will care if they hurt their family but not other outside victims. They save up ammunition, know your weak spot, so when they need it most they can dive the knife in where it hurts most.

03. Covert. AKA Secret. They outwardly brag about themselves but blame the world for not seeing their greatness. They blame it on the time period, the technology, etc. They have the ‘life done them wrong’ mentality. Their behavior is often passive aggressive. They often diagnosed with depression. Hyper sensitive, tantrum like responses to negative reactions. Often they play victim to gain attention and sympathy. They feel no one understands their greatness. Rather than owning the fact that you still have areas to improve on before reaching greatness. They will not take ownership for their part, they blame the world, their circumstance, upbringing or financial state. Please do extra research for this type, it’s extremely confusing to pinpoint.

04. Communal. These are the ones who brag about volunteering, rescuing, constantly attending galas, and benefits. They need a lot of recognition. Yet they actually lack empathy towards the people they’re “helping”. Mindset: I’m above the things I’m rescuing. 


For me, it was the attitude they portray in public is often times very different than how they appear in the home. The mask is thoroughly glued on in public but slowly overtime it’s too much work to keep the mask on at home. Often, when you finally reach the end of your rope with the narc, many people won’t support you in your decision to leave. They’re in love with the mask the narc wears, just like you once were.

Right now, the ratio she suggests its an 80/20 male to female ratio. With females on the rise. Dr. Durvasula, attests this to males needing to deny emotions, being praised for providing, their earrings, title, status, etc. We applaud this behavior. We make them into CEO’s, celebrities, athletes. If a book was written about narcissism it would be, ‘the how-to succeed in the new world order’. It’s great for business, not great for inter-personal relationships.

-Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Consequently, the empath, or supply, ends up appearing like a narcissistic to society. They aren’t getting their needs met in the relationship, so they seek external validation. Grandiosity is the behavior they see glorified, so they play in that realm in order to hopefully be seen by their partner. Narcissistic are extremely concerned with external validation along with how they appear to society. If you can help their standing by looking, acting or performing a certain way; they will oblige this behavior. But when your behavior requires anything of them, they will not be there for you or make you pay for it psychologically.

Where most couples would breed love, empathy, understanding; narcissists supply their partner with demand, expectation, rules, standards, competition, and gas lighting behaviors; in order to keep you feeling small. You are the energy supply to your host, the narc.

M I N D  G A M E S 


They play off your weak spots or vulnerabilities. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They always put it back on you. They entice you to be open. You pour out your soul, they mirror, lead with question, provide fake support to get the information they need to manipulate future situations. They rarely do the same in exchange.

-Upper Hand

Criticism creeps in. You should have done that differently. I know better than you. They have an inflated sense of correctness. The world would be better off if we all just followed their sense of thinking. 

-Instill Fear

Through their stubborn, judgmental, angry behaviors they breed fear in you overtime. You: I’ll do what they tell me to do because I don’t want to deal with their difficulty. 

-Sabotage You

They prefer to isolate you. They don’t want you to have allies or strong supporters. They aim to destroy the confidence others have in you, to keep themselves in a better standing. 

-Find Your Flaws Then Hold it Against You

In the moment, they listen and gather information about you. Later, they will pull back out all your low moments, weave them together and launch the story back at you. Hence, when my ex told me years later he was extremely embarrassed about my entire work history. They save things up, when they’re ready to score some points against you.


Blameless with good intentions. If they make miscalculation and something goes wrong, they have to redirect blame towards others. They can’t own a simple mistake or show remorse.

-Imperative Style of Thinking

They view life as a duty. They see things like you have to, you must. Life is a regulatory mindset, where they write the regulations. 

-Over Arching Idea: I want you to lose whatever is unique about you. “Be What I Tell You To Be”.


They see people as stepping stones, stumbling blocks in the way, to get what they want or where they want to go.


They often had a hard upbringing and will find a way to make you pay for it. The world has treated them unfairly and now it’s time them to get what they deserve. They may steal because it’s owed to them and you didn’t need it anyway. They don’t care about morality, they care about potentially being seen as a bad person. And if someone sees me as a bad person they may not give me what I want. “I won’t steal this necklace from Kim because she promised to take me to Mexico and I really want to go”. The thought process is not, is it morally wrong to take this? It’s can I get away with this behavior? If you think that doesn’t apply to their sexual desires, THINK AGAIN. If there are no external monitors they’ll do whatever they want. They have no integrity, no empathy, no morals and no impulse control. Everything they want, they believe they need or are entitled to. If you get in the way, you are denying them of their needs.



In the beginning they’ll love bomb you. They will say all the right things, move super fast, and be completely smitten. They shower you with compliments, gifts, their time, until they get what they want. Then they lose the desire to continue with anything of this nature. Often they’ll marry, then once, you, the object has been acquired, they lose interest or withhold having sex with you. The gifts may pop back up when you’re acting in accordance to what they feel is right for you, aka it’s about them again.


SEX. OH the sex.

Sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists can connect to others. Drugs also allow them to connect authentically to others. It’s physical over emotional. The focus is not two human beings connecting, its about measuring up to idealized expectations. You may feel “on call” to satisfy them sexually. The potential for Infidelity is high within this category as well the ability to craft an immaculate lie about it.

There are many, many more twisted things I could say here but I won’t. Please do your own research, this is a very deep rabbit hole. 



It comes down to this, they are looking for people to give them their supply. You ARE the energy source for this person. They need people to feed off, whether it’s hours of agonizing fighting that leads nowhere. And I mean NO WHERE. Or it’s spending hours tearing down the establishment, the rich, the government or the politicians. There certainly is a time and place to discuss these important topics but to an extent. You have to look at the motive behind it and what it’s giving the person driving it. For this type, it’s to stay in a state of disapproval to feel superior.


You grow up thinking you are responsible for your parents feelings. If your mother/father are angry, you believe it’s your fault. You’re told you’re a bad child if you don’t live to please the parents needs. They grow up believing they don’t have needs or boundaries. Children of narcissistic gravitate towards narcissistic in their dating life, because they were taught this is their place. They believe they are here to serve others.



The children are taught to hide the family secrets. They are taught to portray an image to outsiders of the family dynamics. Parents will overshare adult information with the child, often about the other parent to establish more control or a desired perspective. The child is viewed as an extension of the parent rather than being encouraged to be their own person with unique desires and preferences. 


When we have boundaries they give us self confidence, worthiness and self preservation. They tell us what is ok for you. You’re not allowed to stand up for yourself or your own emotional well being. You’ll be met with rage, blame shifting, denial from the parent. The children turn out angry, mostly inwardly because they are so disconnected from self. 


I wanted to help. I wanted to feel useful. I didn’t want to accept defeat. I was unconsciously scared to leave, to start over. I constantly down played scenarios. I would forget what happened. I really didn’t like a lot of men, so I didn’t want to risk it. I figured this was a pretty good bet. I didn’t want to deal with being single. I figured what exists outside of this scenario must be worse, at least this space is known. #scarcity I was overly responsible for other’s emotional needs, over my own. Hurt people, hurt people, who are hurt-able.

Some display co-dependent traits, the person who looks for validation outside of themselves, instead of looking within. Which is a tactic to avoiding revealing your true self. This is why we become easily manipulated. Both co-dependents and narcissists do this. The narc gets validation by controlling others. You can manipulate the co-dependent by giving and withholding validation. The CD will over evaluate compliments and under-evaluate the criticisms. CD’s want to believe the Narc is a good person and can change on their terms.


—We believe they can change them. (41%)

—We like being with people who seem confident and in charge. (17%)

—We think they’ll be successful in business and make lots of money. (4%)

—We’re young and naive and don’t know the negative impact it will have on their lives. (38%)


They often turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the chronic emptiness they feel. They’ve never learned to deal with their feelings, they feel overwhelmed by them and need to escape. They learned early on that they cannot depend on or trust people, they believe the world is not safe. Those beliefs + a lack of security in themselves can lead to substance abuse. They don’t trust themselves and feel alone in the world. The drugs deaden the feelings of fear and hatred. It’s used to balance the difficulties that arise from their psychological problems. But where ever you go, there you are. Even when they get sober and the addiction is treated, the narcissism remains. Many addicts are narcissist. The addiction, the clinics, the groups can feed their need for attention. 


-I write this for the woman in the care home, who is now an empty shell since he’s passed. Because of you, I won’t end up there. 

-I write this for my women who has learned to stand on her own after being betrayed by the one person who was suppose to protect her. 

-I write this for the women who married the mask, only to take it off once they got what he got what he wanted.

-I write this for the woman who is financially trapped and doesn’t believe she can leave.

-I write this for the women who can no longer hear her own voice in her head because its overshadowed by his manipulation and control.

-I write this for the woman who uprooted her whole life for what she thought was love, only to be throw away like a piece of garbage. 

I write this because I know you had to experience that. I know you had to because now you realize you’re so much more. I write this in applause of who you are, what you’re becoming and where you’re headed. Because it’s going to be wonderful there. 


“That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

And if it is, that’s not my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did…

You deserved it.”



The relationship is never going to be what you want it to be. It might appear that way for a while after they are reprimanded and the mask goes back on real tight. They re-focus their attention on you to re-establish control. You feel good because they ramp back up with flying colors and you can’t believe how well they learned the lesson but really it’s just another manipulation. They will do and say everything you want them to say for years.


The relationship is going to continue to hurt you and drag you down. The only option is to leave. I know that hurts and it’s hard to do but you have to do it, in order to save yourself. To regain control be prepared for their potential begging, crying, stalking, smear campaigns, destroying your things, harassment, and sabotage.



Expose them when the time is right and Be Prepared to Hold Your Ground. Don’t Go Down the Argumentative Rabbit Hole. Respond with I Have Nothing More to Say. I see your games and I choose not to participate.

They desire to keep you in doubt, disarray and feeling confused about who you are. 


When we stop worshipping, praising and propping them up is the day we realize our own internal love and vast presence. The day we realize the individual they appear to be, is a figment of our imagination, a character they play to be. But the character we so badly want to believe them to be, is actually who WE are. We have ability to make the person we want exist. But it was never outside ourselves. It was always within. 


Most psychologist say no. That was a tough pill for me to swallow. I have the hardest time accepting no. It would destroy a narcissistic to admit they live in a hollow shell. It would destroy their whole game, so they usually don’t give it up. If they do give it up, it’s hard to know when it’s being faked because this is their master game. Giving it up would mean a loss of a constructed identity, to which they would have to re-wire the whole system. Which could lead to major reconstruction, break down and a need to rebuild. That’s the scariest thing in the world because that’s why they created the persona to begin with. They cannot change being a narcissistic but they can change behaviors if they’re willing. They can be motivated to change, in a selfish internal way.


Anything is possible with God but sometimes lives are used to tell a part of a greater story. Maybe this life is destined to stay this way for reasons we can’t fathom in this dimension. Sometimes the issues we experience are part of a greater whole. Maybe it’s a societal wide issue that will be overcome like polio, shingles, measles, etc. It’s seems like we are moving into a space where mental disorders are be uplifted, talked about, studied, new modalities being awakened and practiced. While we may play a role in this overturning, we aren’t the ones to redeem it. There are constant universal changes being orchestrated that are bigger than us.


No contact with your person is generally the best way to go, as cold as it sounds you’ll thank yourself later. The correct response, is no response. You are under no obligation to stay with someone who does not respect you. I had to change the contact title name in my phone for a long time so I could fully embrace the new reality and not fall back into the same patterns.

You’ll likely never get the closure you desire. You may feel cheated. Full of guilt. There is no true end, there is only you spinning your wheels in an endless cycle of abuse, mistreatment, false hope and hurt until you go crazy. 

Can They Change?

For a narc to change they have to hate their own behavior. They are experts in justification, denial, compartmentalization, blame shifting so it’s very hard for this situation to come about. They have to realize they’re own behavior is the problem before they stop doing it. It’s very hard to change if you feel justified in your actions.

Dive deep into the topic of change with this video…



We glorify this type of thinking in our society. We think people are subservient to ideas. When really great lives are sculpted by our creator. Same goes for ideas, we simply carry them out. I believe ideas come to us when we’re ready. When were so filled with nothing other than our ideas that’s where we fall flat. We lack depth. We lack to inspire because were hollow. We’re only serving ourselves and our own idealized greatness. Get filled up by the one real and true idea—Jesus Christ. I believe good ideas, innovations, artistic genius are channeled through us from above. I believe we rise to the challenge of enacting the download we receive. If we keep ourselves centered knowing where genius comes from, we can stay aligned during our journey as we know we’ve shared in a glorifying experience. We should thank ourselves for picking up the ping, executing it and sharing it with others. Just remember it’s always a partnership never a solo job. The jobs I do solo are always much more of a struggle compared to when I submit, align, tune in, leave ego aside, practice gratitude and show up without strain, hurry, or short sidedness.


Life is like a slow unblinding, a lifelong set of events that wake us up to who we truly are. Which is a unique extension of God, source or creator energy meant to lead a life of purpose. 

We are here acting out of learned unconscious behaviors both ancestral and from childhood.

We don’t come here to experience all sunshine and rainbows. We are here, as souls, in these physical bodies because to fully learn the lessons we set out to experience, we cannot deeply feel their impact other than through our flesh and our emotion. That’s what this time space reality is about. 

You can choose to see it for the good it counteracts in you for the long run. Part of why we’re here is to heal our unconscious wounds. In a way, we select these people to trigger our wounds. We have to thank them for playing a role for us, even though on a micro level it doesn’t feel positive but on a macro level it is exactly what we needed.


I was just over it. The road had ended in every way possible. I had no energy or interest in its challenges anymore. You have to ask yourself why you can’t let it go? Let your psychological pet project come to an end. You’re not watching a weird tv show, you’re living it! 

Face the public humiliation. Face the financial stress you’ll feel. Face the nay-sayers. I guarantee you’ll have plenty of people who will help you remove the bags you hold. There’s a big energy upstairs that is more than capable of holding the heaviest parts, if you’ll let it. 

Familial Wounding

On my dad’s side of the family the wound is narcissism. On my mom’s side of the family it’s emasculation. And if I’m not a direct product of that, I’d be lying. My parents are both the babies of a family of 4. I believe the babies of the family get the gift of healing and potentially sealing the wound. The older ones reveal it, the youngest ones learn from it. They have done their best at revealing this generational wound and now it’s my turn to admit my piece. I loved emasculating my ex. I thought it was funny to talk about all his weird behaviors. I didn’t understand them so I flaunted them around for everyone’s humor.  He was a character I studied for my own sick drama. It definitely wasn’t the way to deal with it, but it comforted my constant confusion. I liked feeling better than him. After awhile I wanted him to pass me up. I was ready to be passed up. I guess we never could never figure out how to stand side-by-side. *Let me mention I did consciously know this until typing it out right now. I wrote the word immaculate a few minutes ago and it auto corrected to emasculation. #revealed


-Do you find yourself constantly worrying about the needs of your friend, partner or family member above your own?

-When you talk about your life to others, do you find yourself talking about them constantly?

-When your partner experiences a hardship in life do they cut you or blame your mere presence for the scenario?

-When someone asks you how the relationship is going, do you feel yourself describing everything from their point of view instead of your own?


Don’t ignore the feedback you get from friends and family about your relationship. Read all your old journals, you’ll see the story has been there all along. Don’t shut out the people who love you. Your needs are not too much, they are just enough. If the relationship leaves you feeling constantly confused, that’s not love—that’s low.


After chatting with a friend this morning. I stated, “maybe they came to show us the opposite of who we are so we could fully own what we actually are”. The aim of these karmic relationships is to lead us to believe the reversal of what we are. For example, my ex would constantly call me boring. When in actuality, my greatest gift is fun and excitement. They attack our most positive quality in order for us to fully step into it. 


You just happened to give your heart to someone that wanted to mold it into something for themselves rather than admiring what it is already. -Andrew C. 


Today, I can make my own decisions. I can pick my own music, tv shows, concerts, movies (I know this sounds hilarious but it’s exciting). Today, my validation comes from within. Today, I can express myself through dance, paint, music, written word. Today, I make executive decisions with my intuition. Today, I make time for fun without constant guilt tied to work. Today, I know I am worthy of love and peace untethered to work. Today, I am the boss.


Once I saw everything in the new light, I decided I was made for real love, real connection, real respect—not a faded version of it. 


Thank for delivering me and bringing me even closer to the sun. 



You cannot feel taller by cutting off the heads of others. 

You Don’t Need Permission to Walk Away, Just Self Respect. 

Experiencing Love is Far Greater, than Experiencing Power. 

In order to love who are are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you. 


So what’s your family story? What are the wounds being revealed to you? How did you get here? How can you heal? What are the next steps? What’s the wonderful thing waiting for you on the other side? 

Please use this article as a resource, send it to someone you know who maybe struggling in silence. If we can change just one life with our story, the whole experience will all be worth it.

Thank you to all the YouTube channels who share this free information with the world: Joanna Kujath, Vital Mind Psychology, The Little Shaman, Dr. Ramani Durvasula (!!!), Rich Grannon – Spartan Life Coach, Daylight Out of Darkness, Surviving Narcissism, MedCircle, RC Blakes Jr.

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